Disclaimer: This is a parody of a self-improvement New Year’s Resolution Article. While the information contained within is not fabricated, the opinions contained within do not represent our corporate views or policies.
The dawn of 2022 provides a clean slate for self-actualization and improvement. The time for New Year’s Resolutions is here.
Everything you’ve been told about creating resolutions is wrong. Bad advice regarding the creation and execution New Year’s Resolutions is why so many fall by the wayside in a matter of weeks. The result is pain, shame, falling back into comfortable habits and a big sales month for the local gym.
The failure to distinguish what is a resolution and what is a long-term goal is the primary stumbling block of the well-meaning.
This does not need to be the case. This heavily researched deep-dive will provide you with much more than just the Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Vapers. We will share our secret on how to make a perfect New Year’s resolution.
Humans are quite resilient and can reconcile themselves to all manner of contradictions and deceits. The ability to excuse or justify any lapse in personal judgment is one of humanity’s best traits. It allows us to face the world after losing face. This cognitive defense mechanism, hardwired into our very DNA, makes it easy to give up on a traditional New Year’s Resolution and declare that it was just a big waste of time.
But there is another trait of the human mind that is equally important. The illusion of progress is just as powerful as progress.Define what progress means and you can completely control your life and destiny. This is the New Year’s Resolution Secret THEY Don’t Want You to Know.
So-called experts insist that the best New Year’s Resolutions are “actionable plans” that carefully avoid missteps that led to past failures. They claim that New Year’s Resolutions fizzle because they lack specifics.
They couldn’t be more wrong. The vaguer the resolution, the easier it is to achieve.
You will see lists that suggest ridiculous notions. Are we really supposed to begin with small steps and pursue achievable goals? More preposterous still, many of these New Year’s Resolution checklists will suggest establishing a support group that provides accountability.
Who wants to admit they are having problems getting motivated, losing weight, or cutting back on vaping. It is much easier to draw up a general resolution and declare victory.
The whole point of New Year’s Resolutions is to impress and intimidate rivals and friends alike with your superior willpower! What sort of New Year’s resolution requires others to make your life more fulfilling and to help pull you across the finish line?
Even if you inexplicably choose to count a hard fought, meaningful, and collective effort as your own personal New Year’s Resolution triumph, our proven method still has a much higher success ratio.
New Year’s Resolutions should be as vague as possible. New Year’s Resolutions MUST be structured so that any accomplishments during a calendar year can be attributed to a resolution made at the start of the year.
Here are a few of the best resolutions.
Everyone is the lead actor in their own story. So why not put yourself in the best possible light. The perfect New Year’s resolution allows a single accomplishment to check multiple resolutions off the list.
Consider the list of ten resolutions above. The simple act of going to the gym and listening to your favorite podcast while exercising completes this list of vague resolutions in a single hour.
Maybe vague cliches such as “live your best life” are not that helpful. To cover all bases, we have created five general New Year’s Resolutions for Vapers. Just general ideas that can be easily implemented and possibly improve your life and the planet. No big deal.
More importantly, we have also created five game changing goals that will reinvent the vaping industry. These are perfect for the megalomaniacal would be tycoon who wants to make a splash.
While not massive gamechangers, adult vapers may find these resolutions worthy of their time.
The five resolutions listed above are not particularly dramatic. No one is really going to notice them outside of yourself, family, and friends. If you are swinging for the fences and want to be an industry disrupter, any of the five following goals below will put you on the map.
Beverage and fruit flavors are one of the most controversial topics when it comes to vaping. Dr. Farsalino demonstrated that most adult vapers prefer sweeter e-liquid flavors over tobacco flavored juices in his landmark study.
Despite this, and the fact that a basic mint-flavored salt nic pod made up the bulk of underage sales, regulators and politicians are concerned about the fact that adult vapers prefer delicious flavors over fake tobacco notes.
It is doubtful that many teens obsess over crème brulée, an expensive faux-French dessert that peaked in popularity 20 years ago. E-liquids inspired by sugar-laden cereals that were part of a balanced breakfast in the Reagan-era would seem to have nostalgic Gen X, Boomers, and older Millennials as a target audience. Despite these obvious observations, the flavor narrative has proven impossible to break. Anything that tastes good is targeting minors according to this flawed argument.
It is time to flip the script. Sweet is not the only great flavor profile that adults enjoy. What is wrong with savory e-liquids? Why not a big blast of umami? There is no shortage of artificial garlic flavors that could be dissolved in a PG/VG mix. Vinegar. Pickles. Horseradish. Adults love mustard. We already tried coffee and found it kind of gross, but why not dust off those old PG heavy formulas from a decade ago.
Or we could make sure that there is no confusion at all. The Millennial age cohort has been infantilized but are well on their way to middle age. Why not make a flavor that jumps back to the 1950s? Then there would be no question it is meant for adults.
I would live for a Lobster Thermidor nic salt and max-VG Liver and Onions. Any vape company acting in good faith would have formulated adult-appealing savory vape juices a decade ago.
Would you be surprised to learn that a huge power bank of 18650 batteries served as the power source for the original Tesla. That is right. The cool Tesla Roadster uses the exact same batteries as a vape mod.
Were you aware that even current Tesla models simply use a larger and less expensive version of the same battery technology? The 21700 battery is even compatible with some newer vape mod models.
Surely, there is a vaper or vape company competent to take the next step and create their own electric car company. All that is needed is some venture capital and for the state of California to hand over a fully functioning and unused GM Plant in California. Ideally, it will be currently closed but still include tens of millions of dollars in cutting edge car manufacturing equipment.
Vaping clearly has a public relations problem in the United States. The $160 million spent by Michael Bloomberg to deny adults access to vape flavors and hardware plays a big role in this.
Many Americans view vaping as an alien habit. Wealthier and middle class Americans gave up smoking a couple decades ago. Vaping is most common among marginalized groups. This is why the NHS in the UK wants to foot the bill for vaping prescriptions. To make sure those with the fewest resources are not funneled back onto combustible cigarettes.
The average American family has been fed the myth of kid-friendly flavors and sadly the paradigm-shifting liver and onions e-juice has yet to hit the market. Anti-vapers are quick to deny the importance of flavored e-liquids to adult vapers. Vaping is also fading into invisibility with the proliferation of smaller vape pod kits. These are small, quiet and generate much less vapor. Vaping is simply not as visible as when vape mods were more common. This makes vaping even more mysterious to those not initiated.
There is a way to flip the script (resolution #2 for those keeping track). I am old enough to remember when people’s lives could be swiftly ruined for possessing marijuana. And as a high-risk behavior, during the height of the War on Drugs there were few outlets for advocates of marijuana legalization. At the end of the day, their goal was to promote the decriminalization of an illegal drug. Their options were limited.
Then the geniuses at the University of Wisconsin came up with the ultimate PR stunt, the world’s largest bong. While I never saw it in person, I did read about it. I believe it appeared on campus during the middle of April for some reason. And it obviously made an impact. It was 2 floors tall initially and continued to grow throughout the 1990s.
Unlike weed, vaping is legal. Creating the world’s most powerful vape mod a no-brainer. It certainly won’t be at all dangerous to vape from a fishbowl sized tank loaded up with flavors, vegetable glycerin and propylene glycol. Key to this display is an enormous mesh coil the size of a butterfly net. The power can be supplied by Tesla powerpack. This doesn’t sound dangerous or pointless. It sounds like winning.
We have no interest in selling our products to minors and do not make light of underage vaping. Underage vaping poses an existential threat to the independent vaping industry, which has been punished with regulations and restrictions, even though the most popular products with minors are prefilled vape pods.
This does not mean there are no solutions. Rather than Tobacco-21, perhaps the legal age should be raised to 26. This would allow the employment of a sonic device that can only be heard by individuals 25 and younger.
Would it serve as deterrence? It would if it was large and powerful enough. Youth repellent devices are a bit controversial. But a vape pod kicking out shrieking 17.4mHz could certainly work. Philadelphia installed a device known as a Mosquito in several parks and activate it after curfew. Of course, the innocent and law abiding suffer. But this has never been a concern of those regulating e-cigarettes, e-liquids and vapes before.
They don’t seem to need much help, but you can donate your time to helping the tobacco industry push the independent vaping industry even further to the peripheries of the marketplace. If they had been born 40 years later, it is easy to see John and Yoko singing “Give Big Tobacco a Chance”.
Even without such legendary activists, the PACT Act and flavor bans in many cities and states has severely limited adult access to open vape devices and e-liquids. The only option left to many vapers, particularly in underserved rural areas and the urban core, are prefilled pods manufactured in partnership with Big Tobacco.
What a convenient turn of events! Adult vapers can now pay far more money per milliliter and enjoy the most expensive possible way to vape. All to enjoy the same potency of e-liquid but with the added advantage of only have tobacco flavors to choose from.
And they are sold right next to the combustible cigarettes. Just in case a customer happens to find their electronic nicotine delivery systems (ENDs) to be unsatisfactory. Owning shelf space has its privileges, particularly when the mail is cut off.
The best part is that your hard earned money goes straight into the pockets of Big Tobacco or their partners. It is fortunate that the decision to support the tobacco industry is being taken out of our hands. Far too many vapers were choosing to save money by filling their own devices, frequenting vape shops, and purchasing products from the independent vaping industry. Some even had the temerity to consume e-liquids where the nicotine was not derived from tobacco plants at all.
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